You are invited...

... To my self-pity party!!  I really try to not let things bother me sooo much, but I need to vent today! 

It has been a rough week.  Any teacher out there knows that the end of the year is wonderful and awful at the same time!  It is wonderful, because after all the grading is done you can look back at your kids and see how much they have grown (academically and physically).  I teach first grade and my do they grow from age 6 to 7!  My kids are so tall now and are reading sooooo well!  I am very proud of them!  But, at the same time, it is soooo rough right now!  We have 8 and 1/2 days left of school and every moment is a battle with my students!  I think that they think because it is sooo warm and almost the end of the year, they can do what they please and they do not have to do what I ask them to do.  Everything is a battle or a temper tantrum.  To make matters worse, the Clomid makes my temper very short.  It has been soo rough this week!  I am looking forward to the long weekend!

The other emotional issue I've been dealing with is the abundance of fertile women I work with!  WOW!  There are 5 pregnant co-workers.  Yesterday, there was a shower for the one girl.  It was hard.  Especially when a teacher at my table said "Oh, I know someone else who is pregnant.  But I can't say who quite yet."  That left everyone else trying to figure out who it was.  I kept getting looked at.  I know it was probably just me being paranoid though.  I wanted to scream "It's not me!!!!  It can't be me!  I'm not even ovulating!!!"  But, even though it is depressing and I get very upset about it, I am happy for the pregnant ladies.

It's rough finding someone to talk to about this with.  I love J, but he doesn't get it.  My best friend is about to deliver her baby, so I don't want to rain on her parade.

It's just been a rough week for me!  I can only think and hope that it has to get easier.

Now we are caught up...almost :o)

So I am on CD 4 of Cycle #2.  I began my Clomid yesterday.  I am keeping my meds the same this month, but in addition to temping everyday, I will be using an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) to try to monitor things all little bit more.   I am hopeful that my temps will be a bit better this month (and of course I want to ovulate!!!).  The temps have already been pretty consistent.  More so than last month anyway!

While I was driving to work today, I was thinking "Why have I been cool with having to start over again?" Since about October I would be very emotional when AF came.  I would feel defeated and so sad.  This weekend I didn't shed a tear about it.  I picked myself by my boot straps and started all over again. 

I wonder if what some of what Dr. C said to me kind of helped.  He was optimistic about me getting pregnant, but he didn't think it was going to be last month.  He even told me not to buy an OPK because he thought I would be wasting my money.  I think it must have helped me a lot.  And I know if this cycle ends with AF, I will be due to go back into his office for my U/S and change meds around. 

Maybe the comfort of that will keep me from getting too upset about things.

Cycle #1

It took awhile, but I eventually got AF!  I began all of my new meds and was feeling really great!  I was quite moody (probably from the Clomid), but overall things were great.  I also began temping every morning to try to see if I was ovulating.  I began using Fertility Friend online to track things which made it a lot easier.

At the beginning, my temps were all over the place, but later in the cycle they seemed less erratic.  Around CD 17 I began feeling more side effects.  My breasts were so incredibly sore and I have a lot of cramping.  I kept thinking, "Well, this has to be good!".  Knowing I might ovulate later in my cycle due to the Clomid, I kept waiting and waiting for Fertility Friend to show me some cross hairs pinpointing when I ovulated.  They never came!  The only thing that came was AF on CD26. 

Even though it was a no go this month, I do feel happy.  I am happy that I got AF without inducing!  Now, the fun begins all over again!

Dr. C

I was thrilled to finally be able to go in to see Dr. C and see what he thought was going on.  I went to my appointment with my lab results from Dr. L.  When I got to the office, I went back for my stats and urine test right away.  I gave the nurse all my lab work and waited patiently.

Next, I was called back into the U/S room.  There was an intern who went over my history and what was going on while we waited for Dr. C.  When he came in we chatted and he performed the U/S.  While performing the U/S he showed and explained everything to me.  He was able to see both ovaries and it was not painful AT ALL!!!  I was so happy!  He told me I have a wonderful uterus (yay!).  He also told me my right ovary looked clear, but my left had approximately 14 cysts on it.  This makes sense from what the previous U/S showed.  He also mentioned that my lining was thick and he thought that I might start my AF in the next few days.

After the U/S I got dressed and Dr. C came back in to talk about our next steps.  He really put me at ease with everything because he waited for me to ask questions and he was very easy to talk to.  He has had many women at his practice who have successfully gotten pregnant with PCOS.  He also spoke of family members that have gone through the same struggles.

All in all, he put me on 1000mgs of Metformin XR, gave me a prescription of Provera to induce AF (if it didn't show up in a few days), and a prescription for 100mgs of Clomid.  He said that because of my age (32) he would like me to try to get pregnant with my first within the year and try for as many more as I would like in the next 5 years.  Of course, who knows what will happen.  Hopefully the meds will work and we will get pregnant soon.

I left the office so incredibly happy!  I finally felt like I was in the hands of someone who truly cared about my well-being.

Now What?

After learning the results of my tests, J and I had to decide what to do next.  We really to have a baby but felt like when we start meds, there was no going back.  So, after talking about it a lot, we decided to go ahead with the Clomid.  Dr. L prescribed 50mg for days 5-9.  I felt a bit uncomfortable with it because I still wasn't sure of the "diagnosis" and the fact that she prescribed the Clomid like candy. 

As the days and weeks went on, I was anxiously awaiting my ever faithful AF so that we could begin the Clomid.  A month came and went.  When I was about a week late I was very nervous.  I had never, ever, ever been that late.  I took a few HPTs just to check (even though there was virtually no chance of pregnancy).  They were all negative.  So I called Dr. L's office to see if I should go in.  They told me to wait another week.  Well, that sent me through the roof.  I had already been on the fence about the way she was handling my case and then when I know there must be something wrong they tell me to wait another week.  UGH!  I was through. 

I immediately started looking for another DR.  I was debating if I should try an RE or just an OB/GYN.  I knew that an RE would be pushing for IUIs and IVFs and I am against having those.  So, I decided to find an OB/GYN.  It happened to be Spring Break for me (I am a First Grade teacher), so I had time on my hands to do some research.  I scoured the internet for info on local DRs.  I wanted someone who has had a track record and really understands PCOS.  It took a while, but I found Dr. C.  I ended up having to wait for over a week for an appointment for him, but I felt it was worth it. 

During this whole time I had been feeling just awful.  I was terrified about what might be going on with my body.  I was so incredibly bloated (which I had never really been bloated all that much in my life).  I was just miserable and wishing & hoping for my AF to come!!

First Ultrasound

During the week that I had to wait for my U/S, I experienced a lot of pain in my ovaries.  I am talking doubled over pain.  I had never in my life felt like that before.  So, of course I called Dr. L's office to see if I needed to come in.  They said "If you have a cyst, the pain is normal."  So I took Tylenol Extra Strength all week.  I'm not sure why I continued to take it because it offered no relief!  I guess I was hopeful that maybe next time it would help!

That week I also hobbled around like an idiot (I can say that now, because I know better!).  I was terrified I would rupture the cyst!

So after a day at work I made the trek to Dr. L's.  I had been told I would go in for the U/S and then meet with her and review the blood results as well.  I had researched trans-vaginal ultrasounds a little before I went.  Most information I had found said I would be asked to drink a ton of water beforehand.  This is apparently so they can get a better view of things?  Anyway, I made sure I drank a lot of fluids that afternoon and did not make a trip to the bathroom before my office visit.  Well, I'm sure you ladies who have had a trans-vaginal U/S recently are like what is she talking about?  Haha!  To my surprise they gave me a cup to test urine as I walked in!

I went in for the U/S and had a nice tech perform it.  The only draw back was that she rooted around in there trying to find my left ovary for some time.  This was very painful.  She ultimately did not find it.  And she told me so.  I was terrified.  "You can't find my left ovary????"  I immediately thought I didn't have one or something.

Next, I went in to meet with Dr. L.  She had a stack of blood work to go over but started with the U/S.  She aid the right ovary looked just fine (this is the one she told me last week had a cyst).  I asked about the left and she insisted, "Yes, it's there.  It's just hiding.  Sometimes they do that."  After that, she moved on to the blood results.  Even though some of my numbers are in the low "out of range" area, she felt that I "probably" have PCOS.  I have what??  that was truly shocking to me.  I explained that I didn't have thinning hair, I didn't have facial hair, I didn't have irregular periods.  She still thought I "probably" had it.  Her solution (without any kind of conversation) was a flyer about PCOS and a prescription for Clomid.  No follow-up instructions or even instructions on taking the Clomid.  I was floored.  I was actually quite shocked from the "probable" diagnosis as I left the office.

I was in complete denial about my condition for several weeks after.  I was also still in pain!  But the pain eventually subsided.  The denial was there for much longer.

Part Three...

So, where was I?  Oh yeah, February.  So I had some unusual spotting and decided to go to my OB/GYN to see what was going on.  The night before my appointment, J and I had gone to the movies and on the way home I was telling him about different things I had read about on the Internet concerning infertility.  I felt that there was something very wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  One condition I had talked to him about was PCOS (Polycysitic Ovarian Syndrome).  I did not feel I had most of the symptoms that go along with it though.

The next  afternoon I went to the Dr.'s office.  As I sat in the waiting room, I began to feel my heart race and I was beginning to have somewhat of a panic attack.  I was terrified at what I was going to hear.  When I was called back to the area where they take your weight and BP I began to cry.  It was bad.  I was so embarrassed and I kept saying "I'm OK,". 

I went into an exam room and waited patiently (OK, maybe not patiently).  I have been seeing this particular doctor for a few years and had really liked her, but when Dr. L walked into the room and saw me crying she just nonchalantly asked "What's wrong?  Why are you so upset?"  That should have been a foreshadowing moment for me!  I mean hello... you know I'm here because something is wrong!  But anyway, I explained to her what had been going on.  She decided to give me a pelvic exam to "see" what was going on.  I have never had that much pain before.  Wow!  She was alllllllll up in there.  Ha!  I thought she was going to rip an ovary out to look at it!  She said to me "It feels like you have a cyst."  This was said very matter-of-factly.  She then said she would draw some blood and I needed to come back in a week for an U/S to look at my ovaries.  There was little time for me to ask her any sort of questions because she was off to the next patient.  But I was terrified!  A cyst?  That seemed so awful.  I had no idea what to expect.

I waited a few minutes for the lab tech to come in and draw my blood.  She, of course, couldn't find a vein.  So, one apple juice, two arms, and a second opinion later, she was able to s-l-o-w-l-y get the 8 or 9 vials she needed.  I was worried I would pass out because that was a lot of blood and because I was still so upset.  I asked to lay down for a few minutes.

On my way home I needed to stop at the gas station to fill up the tank.  I was so upset still and still crying.  When I pulled in I tried to stop crying and pull myself together somewhat.  I swiped my card and began to pump the gas.  All of a sudden, the pump started to get very slow- like the big tank was empty.  Next thing I know, some lady is running out of the gas station yelling at me to stop pumping.  Boy was she yelling!  She was saying I was stealing and I hadn't paid for my gas.  I kept saying "I swiped my card!  I swiped my card!"  Then she yelled that I would need to go inside right away.  I went to get my purse and the other lady inside thought I was getting ready to bolt so she came out to yell at me!  Once inside, the lady told me I needed to swipe my card in there.  She saw my tears and thought it was from her and began to apologize, but I was freaked out!  the other lady went out to tell some guy he could go ahead and pump into his car.  When I talked to J about this mess he said that it must have been that they accidentally turned my pump on when the other guy had gone in to pre-pay.  I had not actually entered my pin number when I originally swiped because I was so distraught! HA!  What a day!!

I went home and waited just about the longest week of my life until I could go back for the U/S.

Have a Marvelous Monday!

Meet Malone.  He is our wonderful pup!  We are not sure what breeds he is, but we sure love him!  He is a momma's boy through and through.  Just remember Malone says "Have a Marvelous Monday!"

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day everyone!  I saw this on a message board today and I felt I should share.  It is sweet and gives me hope. 

"Happy Mother's Day"
It comes around every year;
But when you have empty arms; it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of what she'd like to gain.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
It's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans
around a child not yet conceived;
She loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
What a blessing that children are;
She works hard for just a chance,
That motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
And yet she still has hope;
Everyday is another struggle,
Finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty
she can still be a mother too!
So say a special "Happy Mother's Day"
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Part Two...

**Disclaimer:  This post contains what some might consider TMI (too much information) about my menstrual cycle.  This blog documents my journey and I am sharing such info because I feel it is important to my story.

As the months went on, I would try to stay positive.  J was always so encouraging and positive saying, "It will happen next month, don't worry."  But it just didn't get any easier or less disappointing.

Mid-December I had some dark spotting.  Very light and it lasted one day.  I wasn't due for AF for another week, so of course I began to think it just had to be implantation bleeding.  Even though I knew it wouldn't show up yet if I was pregnant, I went out and bought more tests (I had went through my stash at home already).  It was a Wednesday.  On my way home, I called my best friend to ask her if she experienced implantation bleeding (she has one child and was about 3 months along with her second).  She was encouraging and it really had gotten my hopes up.  You know, you say you aren't going to get all excited, but you totally do!  Ugh!!  I had really thought it was the real deal.  A week later and $50 worth of tests and AF reared her ugly head.  What a bummer!

January brought a new year.  I was pumped to try again this month.  Again, i was disappointed.  This month I ended up having a crazy cycle with AF visiting for 15 days or so.  That was a red flag, but I kept saying "I'll call the Dr. tomorrow," and I never did.

February rolled around and I got my AF on time and it was very light.  It had stopped for 2 days then I had VERY heavy spotting for 1 day.  Well, when I had that spotting after the distinctive end to my period, I called the doctor immediately.  That appointment would change my whole life.

The beginning of the road...

Welcome!  This blog has been created to help me cope with the emotions that I have been having struggling with infertility.  I am also writing it because I would really like to keep track of the ups and downs of this journey.

My name is D and I am 32 years old.  I have been in a relationship with my husband J for 12 years.  We have been married for almost 3 years now.  I love J with all of my heart.  He means the absolute world to me.  We met in college.  He had been a roommate of one of my high school friends.  I get goosebumps thinking about the first time I laid eyes on him.  Ahh, young love..... Anyway, he is my soul mate and I am so blessed to have found him. 

We knew we had wanted to have kids, but we also knew we needed to be financially ready for that.  So, it took us some time after our wedding to figure out when the right time would be to start trying.  Last April I stopped taking my BCPs knowing that it might take a few months to straighten out my hormones.  In July, we officially began TTC.  I am a planner, so I had research the ins and outs and all the details about how to conceive quickly, etc.  I also knew that because I am a teacher, having a baby in late April or May would be ideal (to coincide with summer vacation).  So it was on!

Well, as the months went on and there were no BFPs, I became more upset and depressed.  It didn't help that during this time several girlfriends who were TTC and several who were not ended up getting pregnant.  While I was happy for them, I couldn't help but be really upset that I wasn't.  I really had no idea what was in store for us....